Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tuesday Prayer

O! Thou God of all beings, of all worlds, and of all times,
We pray, that the little differences in our clothes,
in our inadequate languages,
in our ridiculous customs,
in our imperfect laws,
in our illogical opinions,
in our ranks and conditions which
are so disproportionately important to us
and so meaningless to you,
that these small variations
that distinguish those atoms that we call men,
one from another,
may not be signals of hatred and persecution!

prayer for tolerance - voltaire - 18th century

found at worldprayers.org


Mary Beth said...

o, how splendid!

leah sophia said...

Mary Beth, I agree--so many beautiful prayers on this site! This evening I need to share a little more with everyone.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support! Of course I realize this is a prayer page, but since 9th grade I've struggled with a compulsive disorder and shortly after going on staff at my last formal call, I made my 6th serious attempt to get some kind of biochemical treatment, which turned out to be disastrous. As someone exclaimed to me, "this has been a catastrophic illness. What else do you call something that has cost you your friends and your career?"

As if I could change the past! 1) not to make another diagnostic attempt would have been stupid; 2) nothing anyone said or could have said or would have convinced me to file malpractice. After all, the power of resurrection is so overwhelming, so incessant, so unstoppable, in a very short time my life would be full again. 3) I'm a moderate E, without a shy or reticent bone in my body and I'd always made friends easily. 4) Because of the way events unfolded, I got to spend the last year and a half of my mother's life with her. This was not someone called "mom," and for sure I probably never would have even spoken to her again.

There's so much more, but I've spent most of the last 16 years post-recall committee trying again to do the ministry I did professionally, still feel called to do and see people doing in real life and online. Considering that insanity is expecting different results from the same behaviors and without parsing everything that happened, right now I need to find some way to move on and a huge part of that is to find a community willing to learn my name and willing to trust me some with their lives. Most of the time I'm absolutely overwhelmed with grief and loss. Asking myself what I'd've counseled someone else about my countless attempts to get involved in a long series of local churches every time I'd have said "don't let people wag you! Just go back and start volunteering."

If I'd ever struggled even a tiny amount when people were around or if my now-former friends had seen me as impaired as I became with clinically unprecedented toxicity... However, despite everything, like anyone I've constantly reminded myself of what has not gone wrong, of the gains of made in spite of not having been able to find a new community, of not have the mirror that tells me how I'm doing, the friends to hold me accountable for stewardship of my life, etc. They say make a new normal and this definitely is not okay. Thanks for listening and for praying. I'm here to listen to you and to pray for you, as well.

Mother Laura said...

Thank you for sharing yourself with us, dear Leah Sophia. Holding you in my heart with many prayers.