Dear God……sorry, that sounds goofy, like I’m dictating a letter. Clearly it’s been a while since I’ve prayed. To be honest, and I guess that’s what this is all about, I haven’t so much as given a thought to you in several years. Am I holding my hands right? This is the way I remember from church school…
I don’t even know what I believe about you anymore. Sorry God, but that’s the truth. Where the hell...sorry...where are you? War, genocide, rape, murder, poverty...I could go on and you know it. Why does all that happen and where are you while good people are being broken and obliterated?
Where were you when my life was falling apart? Where were you when I lost all my money and my friends abandoned me? It’s not like I sat around waiting for you to rescue me or anything, I just did what I had to do to get by. But now... here... I want to know why I felt so alone and afraid. I went to church with my parents and I was confirmed so I know all about that “God is there for you” talk. I don’t get it. It’s like you disappeared when I needed you the most.
It’s okay though, because everything worked out. I went back home. I couldn’t believe it God, it was amazing. My Mom, when she saw me, she just held on to me so tightly I could hardly breathe. She cried and smiled and laughed all at the same time. She didn’t care what I had done or where I had been – she just held on to me and said “Thank you God. Thank you God” over and over again.
I guess I’m thankful too. In a world where there always seems to be a winner and a loser, I’ve generally been the loser. But Mom – she doesn’t see me that way at all. She doesn’t keep score, she just loves me.
God, I still don’t know where you are, or even if you are out there, but I know this much – my Mom loves me no matter what. She loves me the way my church school teachers used to say that Jesus loved me. Hey, wait a minute...God...is that where you are? In Mom’s tight hugs and the way she messes my hair and kisses my cheek?
God! God. Thanks. Oh, and Amen.
4 comments:
this is exactly what i miss about my mom.
Thanks.
Can you all please pray for my friend. I showed her this and she bleakly said - "my mum's not like that - and I've never experienced God like that either" She is a Christian but feels nothing of God's love.
Pray that she will know and feel God's paternal and maternal side.
My mom was never like that either, but my God is. Prayers for your friend, Lorna
This crying out prayer is perfect as I wonder "why me again God? why can't these growths just be over with? And why can't the pathologist tell me today so I don't have to wait so long?" I'm tired of it all - of being patient and confident and appointments and surgeries and treatments and watch-and-waits. I know She is holding me and feeling my pain with me but . . . darn, rats, and other words I shouldn't write down.
Oh, Maria! My heart goes out to you.
You all have my prayers.
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